Sunday, November 30, 2008

Early mid-life crisis?

Ever since I was young, I know that I'm the miseriable child in the family. Always saying wrong things, never conceal my disgusts to people and run my mouth without processing through my brain. Recent year, not sure it's because I finally have full contact with the real world, I am more bitter than ever. Seriously BITTER.

I haven't seen anything I like for a long time. Or let's put it this way, with my financial situation, I surpress what I think it's nice and tell myself it's not that great instead. I start losing interest in a lot of things that I used to enjoy, love and go crazy for. I mentally tell myself that I don't need nor want them. The sky seems a bit gray even on the greatest day.

I knew something is not right for a long time and I just kind of continue my whining. Until one day, I talked to an old friend about how my life was. I was shocked that I might be a racist. I sounded like a bitter middle age woman. I wasn't happy even though I have lots compare with others. Many times, I suspect I have depression.

I decided to reduce my whining as much as I can. I look at things in different ways and realize it could be wayyyy worst. I also let myself step out of my box a little by little. I know I can do better. I want my creativity back. I want my life back.

I learn to appreciate more. I learn to smile (again) on random things. I stop and smell the roses.

Yea, and I am trying to learn to use "I" in any ways less.

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